Parents of Teens & Young Adults

We are having trouble with my 17-year-old son sneaking out after we go to bed and staying out all night and not checking in at all. We have turned off his phone service, which he says is to our detriment because then he can't call us, He doesn't have a driver's license yet so we can't take the car away from him. And he also says that he doesn't respond to consequences, which is really true. We tell him he needs to stay home for a few nights because he broke our rules, but then he either sneaks out or just says he's not staying home. I'm about to go to the consequence saying that I won't pay for summer camps that he really values. I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm an irresponsible parent, and I am constantly worrying and it's causing a lot of stress in or family and marriage. What do you recommend? He says he wants to go to college, but is taking no steps to prepare for that. I am at a loss and can feel completely hopeless. Please help.

My daughter is 14, almost 15. She lied about her boyfriend's age. She told me he was 15, going on 16, and I just found out he is 17, going on 18. She is very mature and very attached to this young man, and I am very uncomfortable with this situation. I just left her dad—we've been together her whole life. Part of the separation is because her dad has not been involved in her life and is using drugs. Prior to this, he has always been her best friend, and I want her to break up with this young man, but she is adamant about staying with him and how strong her feelings are for him. She is so successful and bright and has many good things going for her. I am at a loss for words and ways to express how I am uncomfortable with the whole situation.

My 22-year-old daughter moved to a small town to go to college, but another factor was a boy she met. They are still together and he treats her well. Her brother also moved to this town before her and went to college, graduated, got married and is successful in his career and moved to where he could be successful. My daughter has failed out of the University, failed out of the Community College, has not worked for months, her boyfriend moved in with her to make ends meet. He is from this small town and I fear he may never want to leave to make a good living.

My daughter is trying to be independent, but we are not sure how this will happen with no job and no college education. I worry constantly and feel for them to be successful. They need to get out of this small town but fear they won't. She procrastinates on issues and says she wants to get back in school. She has applied to one online school but was rejected. I believe she is applying to another sister school to attend online, which I think is part of her problem— not getting out. We have helped her brother get to where he is in life and even he worries about her. She has opened up to his wife, which is comforting but she and her boyfriend are very secretive around us. They have even come back to where we live without even telling us or letting us know she is in town. Somethings I only know through my son. She gets mad at me for the littlest things. Her dad and I have always tried to be there for her and now we have stepped back because she got mad us for trying to help her. Until last night she needed rent because her boyfriend's job is slow due to weather. We are at our wits' end because she gets so mad at us when we bring things up and says she will deal with it. Her boyfriend is good at what he does but does not seem to have motivation to be successful, just to get by. She has not done anything for months.

We are now ready to step in and sit her down with her boyfriend, regardless of how mad she gets at us because we are so concerned. I know I have only scratched the surface of the issues, but it is the basic gist of what is going on.

I have some concerns regarding the mental health of my sixteen-year-old daughter. Sophie frequently pretends to be sick to get attention and/or care. Because she has a clinically diagnosed disorder, we do not punish her for this behavior, but we usually discourage it by ignoring it. We are used to her pretending to experience physical pain, but lately, she seems to be truly sick. She typically only claims to be sick with no physical symptoms, but lately she appears pale, weak, and in serious trouble. My husband and I are advised by her psychiatrist not to display concern for fake symptoms, but I'm getting concerned. What should I do?

My 14-year-old daughter started dating her best friend 5 months ago. He's 14 also, but already in high school. My daughter is in the last year of middle school. We like the boy, the parents seem to like our daughter. We allow her to invite him over. At first, he would come once every weekend, and everything was fine. They get along, have fun together, and have this cute relationship. Then, the parents gradually started not letting him come, without giving any explanation, usually at the last moment. Now they see each other about once every 3 weeks, and only for 2 to 3 hours. The parents have met us and know that I am always around, the mom even said once that she felt happy to see we have the same family values. The problem is, they barely see each other, and they can't make normal plans for the following weekend, because he never knows if his parents are going to allow him, until the very last minute. Among other things, I think the relationship is turning a little into a Romeo and Juliet situation because of this. My daughter is very frustrated but wants to continue the relationship. Their encounters are now very emotionally intense, because they know they might not see each other for several weeks. I really think this situation is not healthy because these kids can't even plan on having an ice cream together on a given week, and if they do, the disappointment is great when the parents say "maybe" all week and then "no" the night before or the same day. I don't want to look desperate by talking to the parents, but it really doesn't feel like they are doing the right thing for both our children. I would prefer for them to see each other once a week or once every other week, have a normal relationship, get to know each other better, and enjoy the relationship while it lasts. Of course, I talk often with our daughter about being smart and not do anything she shouldn't do, we talk very openly, and we trust her. Should we just grin and bear the parents' whims? Obviously, they must have a specific concern over this relationship (too young, studies, or something) but the boy doesn't know what the problem is, as the parents won't discuss it. They are both good students. Any advice is welcome!

My 16-year-old son came out as gay last year. It was a shock, but my wife and I love our son no matter what, and the gender he is attracted to is a part of our son that we accept and love. My son has been out for a year, and in the last month he started a relationship with a boy on his football/soccer team. They met through football and have played together for years; the other boy is the team's lead goal scorer and is quite talented. My son told us without delay, and we invited the boy over for dinner a month ago. He is a nice lad. Unlike our son he wasn't openly gay. My son referred to it as "being in the closet." The boy hadn't told anyone, as he was scared about what his schoolmates would think, and what his parents (mainly his dad) would say. Anyway, it all blew up just over two weeks ago when a school kid snapped a picture of them kissing behind the sport shed at school. It went all over the school and since the boy's siblings go to the same school, they saw the picture and shared it with their dad, who kicked his boy out of their home. The kid turned up at our house at 3 in the morning with a black eye and a bag full of clothes. I was furious about the black eye and rang his dad up the next morning. The dad shut me down and told me he never wants to speak to his son again.

He hit his son after finding out he is gay! I don't care if it was in a fit of anger. That is disgraceful. He kicked his 17-year-old out of home on a school night just for kissing someone of the same gender. And when I tried to ring him to sort it out, he called his son some very nasty things on the phone. The kid doesn't want me to report his dad, and looking at the situation I am not sure much can be done since he is going to be eighteen in eleven months. I told the boys, he can move in.

We went out last weekend and got a double bed for my son as his single bed wouldn't have fit them both. Who would have thought a year ago I would be buying my 16-year-old son a double bed to share with his boyfriend? I didn't even know my son was gay a year ago. The boyfriend has been living with us for two weeks now, and it must have gotten around the school that we are letting the boys share a bed. They are both in the eleventh grade. Heaps of kids younger than them are having babies of their own and it is not like they can accidentally get pregnant.

The dad turned up at my door yesterday. We argued about the situation, and he left. He came back today, considerably calmer. He said he was very sorry for the way he had treated his son, and that he wanted his son to come home. He seemed regretful and claimed he'd had time to think and that he was sorry and missed his boy. He promised he would never hit him again and swore it had never happened before and that he loved his son and just wanted him home. I told the boy what his father said, and he said he wanted to stay with us. I asked him if his dad had ever hit him before and he said it was indeed the first time. I rang the dad and told him his son wanted to stay here. The dad accused me and my wife of spoiling him by letting him share a room with his boyfriend. He told me he wouldn't even let his straight 20-year-old son bring a girlfriend into his room and had forbidden his 18-year-old daughter from sleepovers with her friends. That doesn't change the fact that he is homophobic or that he punched his son and kicked him out of the house. The father claims it all happened in a fit of anger and he regretted it immediately.

So now I am really conflicted. Do I listen to the other parents and make their son go back to them? Or do I keep the kid, make my son happy, and ignore the other dad's wishes? I want to keep the kid. He should be focusing on his last couple of years of school and not worrying about homophobic parents. And legally he can't really force a seventeen old to come back home. I know if we made him leave, he would go back to his dad's. But I am worried that his dad was lying to me about being fair. What should I do? Go with my gut and keep the boy? Do you have any suggestions?

Is it strange that my 22-year-old daughter doesn't seem interested in dating? She's not been on a real date. Just a prom date with a foreign exchange student. Anyway, she has been texting a guy in another state. His mom and I have become friends and discuss this quite a bit. They have been texting each other for a month now. He lives several states away. And he'd like to meet her this summer. I have no problem with that as I would be going along. She has no friends. And when she has tried to make friends when she was younger, she was usually either ignored or teased. Back to the guy. She now can't decide if she wants to go see him, if she even wants to text him. His mom has said that she has become very cold to him. I'm afraid she's just too comfortable at home with her family and really doesn't want to venture out. Help me find a way to help her. Please!!!

My 18-year-old son just told his mother and me that he is gay. This doesn't make any sense. He's great at sports, always has girls chasing after him, and is not at all effeminate. His mum and I think this is just a phase, or a cry for help as he might not be adapting that well to living at university. Should we contact the university and demand he see their psychologists? What can we do to weave him out of this idea?

I have tried to speak to my 22-year-old son about making him understand that his girlfriend isn't good for him and it would be best to let her go. He did break up with her but got back together with her in a couple of days. She has been rude to all of us even though we have helped her with so many things. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. I feel she is also using him and makes up stories of anxiety to stay here for a few days so she doesn't need to spend money on eating at home, utilities and saving her money for tattoos and whatever she would rather spend her money on. People at work are about to let her go as well because of her rude attitude, and she tells my son things to make him feel sorry for her, which is the main reason why he is with her because she has no one else. She has been nothing but a bad influence on my son since the very beginning.

Never did I think any of my kids would be with a person like this or be so easy influenced. He is too caring and she sees that and at a moment she has him running to her side when she puts on a fake crying spell and has even said she wanted to kill herself and is he going to leave her too. If she happens to go out with us she is loud and embarrassing and has no manners. Family is very important to me so when we go out we should all be together. But she has him sitting elsewhere or next to us sometimes but he won't talk to us since she is too involved in keeping him busy. She lives very poorly and she thinks my son is her way out of being poor. She wants people to feel sorry for her, even about him being a terrible boyfriend because he broke up with her. I can't believe he took her back after all she continues to do. I literally don't know what to do anymore. I feel she isn't going to let him succeed in life since it doesn't look like she can do much with hers, having no support from parents and living off a fast food job. I have mentioned to my son there is always a line never to cross such as her being disrespectful to siblings and parents for no reason, and she has crossed that line many times.

She claims she is rude because she is bipolar (self-diagnosed). And she has told me she doesn't talk to me if I speak to her because she has social anxiety. When she walks into a store, she approaches strangers and won't stop talking and is louder than anyone there. My son currently has no car of his own right now so we drive him and his girlfriend around but I am putting my foot down in not doing anything for her any longer. I need help in helping my son see that although he may love her, she is not good for him and that he is being manipulated by her. — Miranda

I discovered last night that my 16-year-old daughter went party-hopping when she was supposed to be at a friend's house. She left her phone at her friend's house so that if I checked on her I'd think she was there. This is particularly dangerous for my daughter because she has Type 1 diabetes and, in fact, last night (the night after she was out partying) she had a seizure. I suspect she was drinking and that this contributed to her seizure. My husband and I have tried to maintain a friendly relationship with her and respect her needs for independence, while keeping her safe—and now this. We feel we must ground her and are bracing for her wrath. Is this the right course? Should we do more?